사랑이란...

closing

2007-12-11T19:25:00.000-08:00

Ah yes, today is the day where I write my final blog for this semester. I actually thought that this last blog could be anything that we wanted to write about. Unfortunately, our professor already planned subject in advance to write about. I had an idea of what I could possibly write about, and I hoped to make a stunning finish for this class. It does not matter now because I am supposed to talk about what were my goals when I entered this class for the very first time.

To be quite honest, I cannot remember them all specifically. All I can remember is that I wanted to get rid of writer’s block with relative ease. I also wanted to please and surprise my professor. I wanted to prove to myself that I can indeed write. I do not remember much of anything else that I wanted out of this class. I am confident that I will receive an A in this class, but I do not care about that. Much anyway. I wanted to show myself and others that I could write well. That I could somehow inspire others with my ideas.

I suppose I have reached my “goals”. Now that I think about it, I accomplished most of them. My teacher proved to be very helpful when I submitted my rough draft for each essay that I had to write. She asked questions that I would have never thought about. They were thought provoking question and I learned to ask myself some of these as well when I write. Of course, I usually write short stories for fun, but now I know what a person may be looking for when they request and read an essay of mine.

However, I still have not figured out how to surpass writer’s block. I would like very much to be able to get rid of it permanently. I am actually suffering from this horrible disease as I type this. I am stuck in a tight place on one of the writing projects that I am working on. I have been stumped on what to write next. I know exactly how the middle and ending are going to be, but I am stuck in the very beginning. To be able to know the cure of writer’s block would be one my life’s greatest treasures.

This will be my new resolution when I walk into composition II next semester. I want to get rid of this completely. I also want words to flow out of my fingertips with ease. I struggle whenever there is a subject assigned to me. If I am not passionate about the subject, my writing usually turns out to be dull and a bit lackluster. Even now I am struggling to reach the five hundredth word. I want my writing to be alluring and captivating. Based on previous feedback on one of my previous fictions on the internet, I am good at captivating audiences with my short stories. However, I want much more than that. I want to capture the attention of everyone who reads my work.

Next semester, I will approach composition II with my head up high. I have learned much already, and I am willing to learn more. Who knows? With the information that I will gain next semester, I could get inspired to publish an idea that has been in my head for a long time now.

important notice

2007-12-04T14:01:00.000-08:00

Ah, finally this year is almost over. The holidays are close by and my first semester is almost done. I am glad I survived the first semester and it has given me hope that I will survive next semester as well. I do not really have much planned for my winter break other than going to my church retreats and maybe planning a little Christmas/birthday party with my closest friends. It feels so nice knowing that I will finally have time to do whatever I please (at least I hope so anyway).

I plan to work on my next chapter on my novel that I’m currently working on. It is just a little project that I am doing for fun and to keep my creative juices flowing. I also plan to paint over the break! Finally right? I am so excited about that too! I really want to test my skills with oils. For my first subject, it is going to be a glorious portrait of none other than Enma Ai (throws confetti)!

I kind of want this one thing that I saw on the computer for a while. It is a drawing pallet and you can transfer your drawings onto the computer to alter and color your pictures to your heart’s desire. I see so many pictures done on this one website that I constantly visit. It looks like so much fun but you would have to spend a lot of time on the computer. I probably won’t get it any time soon considering it can cost up to around four hundred dollars. Plus the fact that I hardly have any money. I’m not going to ask my parents for it for my birthday because they’ll probably just be… well, parents. So maybe I’ll get it sometime when I get out of college, when I get a real job.

I have been thinking about my art work lately actually. Over the past years, I have given away A LOT of my pictures to friends or random people. If you ask why, it is because I am naturally a generous and nice person. I really don’t like saying no to people. So I lost a lot of good pieces of my work. Whenever I drew/painted something for a project, my teachers asked if they could keep as an example for next year. Of course I said yes… how could I not say no? Many friends and random people asked if I could draw something nice for them. I always promised that I would, but these things take so much time and effort. Especially since I am such a perfectionist in my work. All of those pictures that I have given away to people are probably now collecting dust instead of being treasured.

I have decided that I am not going to give away my art anymore.

This is something that takes so much time and effort. I pour my soul into these pictures, and where does it all go? Probably stuffed into some long lost folder, or thrown away, or crinkled and forgotten about. Thinking about that makes me feel pretty bad. I carelessly had given away art over these past years. I am not going to make that mistake again. A lot of people have asked me to draw them this or that. How am I supposed to draw for everyone? I don’t want to give away something nonchalantly to strangers when they will just end up throwing it away. If I happen to decide to draw something for someone, I want them to appreciate it as much as I do. I think the only person that fits into that category is my best friend. She knows how I truly feel about art and has kept everything that I have ever given her and lovingly put it on her wall. Even though it may not be much, it makes me feel wonderful that she appreciates it as much as I do. Plus having my creation displayed on a wall of another’s house boosts my confidence up.
That being said, I’m off to draw! (Well, study first, then draw.)

(The picture that is up is just a little something that I drew for a close friend. The only thing that I really like about this picture is that I freehandedly painted this. So I'm proud of that. It still needs some more work.)

two halves of a whole heART

2007-11-27T17:40:00.000-08:00

I have never written about my actual art before. The only thing I’ve done is just paint or draw. After reading a comment posted on one of my previous blogs, I thought that writing about my portraits would actually be interesting. That way I can explain the story that I feel when I paint my subject. Whoever reads this will know the true emotions and background of whatever I decide to illustrate. Not only having the plus where I can finally write passionately about something (and immensely enjoying the subject), now there are also so much more things I can talk about. Furthermore, I get to write about my drawings. My two greatest passions combined into one. How convenient.

I was going to write about an original character before, but I think I might save that for a later blog. For this entry, I really want to write about Enma Ai. Yes, I know she is not my own character, but she has such an amazing profile. I can usually draw female characters rather well, but for some reason I experience trouble when I try to sketch her. I see this as a challenge; something that will make me feel good when I accomplish my goal.

The anime itself captivated me as soon as I saw some of their artwork. It was absolutely inspiring! Just a mere glimpse of it made me desperate to bring out my canvas and paint. The realm that she lived in was a calm and tranquil place. It was full of vibrant crimson hues that jumped out as if the drawings were alive. That is something that I want to achieve when I paint. I want to make the picture alive so that the viewer can experience all five senses. Just seeing the picture is for the amateurs. I want them to feel the painting. To feel each and every stroke of the brush. Smell the atmosphere of where the subject is. Hear the voice of the brush that sang color into the blank canvas. Even taste the surroundings of where the subject is. For example: a person painted a lovely fruit tree. The fruit looked so luscious that you could actually taste it in your mouth. This is the talent that I want to attain!

The reason why I chose Jigoku Shoujo (Enma Ai or a.k.a. Hell Girl) is because I experienced all five senses when I look at their artwork. I could feel the anguish in her eyes. I could taste the sweetness of lifeless emotions. I could hear the melancholy colors calling out. I could hear the art in its purest form. This show gave me goose bumps. It is so extraordinary how the artists can invoke such feeling into each piece of work.

As I described in my short story, Ai is a very young girl with burdensome job. She is forced to make contracts with people who want to seek revenge on a person. Unfortunately for the person, it comes with an awful consequence. They too, have to go to hell along with the person that they send to hell. Of course, that is when they die. Ai’s face was drawn to look like a porcelain doll with large scarlet eyes. She shows no emotions whatsoever. When I first watched this, I knew somehow that her past life was tragic. The atmosphere of this show is beautiful, but with an angst and tragic twist. It was breathtakingly eerie, focusing on the tragic past lives of Ai’s “costumers”. The way Ai was portrayed made me fall in love with her character at first sight. I simply HAD to draw her.

When sketched her at first, it was a complete mess. I have most trouble with her eyes. Eyes are actually my most favorite part to draw. I love to draw elaborate eyes and go into detail when it comes to sketching. Ai was different though. Her eyes are large and simple. For some odd reason, it’s very challenging for me to draw her eyes. It is difficult to capture the innocence, hatred, and simplicity that reside in her eyes. I have no clue why, but it makes me even more determined to master this drawing style.

A couple of days ago I decided to straighten the house a little bit. As I peered behind a large chest in my piano room, I came across a pleasant surprise. It was a large and forgotten canvas. I smiled and began to think of what I could draw. I had two things in mind: Ai or two of my favorite characters from another show. I decided to do Ai. Who knows when I’ll get the time and money to buy more canvasses (although I personally would like to make them myself ). I am going to take time on this picture. I do not want to rush this scene. Not only that, it may be a while before I can afford oil paints. When I buy them, this will be my first oil portrait. I am excited to see how it is going to turn out, but also nervous because I do not want to wreck it up. Wish me good luck!

(I added a little picture for a taste of my art. It is a little something a friend requested for me to draw. I loved how it turned out even though it is just a simple lineart. Click on it if you want to zoom in.)

Yet another pointless blog…

2007-11-20T13:34:00.001-08:00

As the year progresses, I realize that I am getting closer and closer to finishing up college. Yes, I know that my college education has just only started. However, this semester sped along by. I just hope that all of the semesters go by this quickly. I am hoping that I have obtained the 4.0 GPA that I desperately need this semester. I have studied hard in all my classes and became familiarized with this whole "college thing". I only hope to get better at studying for all of the exams that are bound to smack in front of me. On that being said, I am looking forward to Christmas break.

Although I do not have much planned on Christmas break, I look forward in hopes of getting a holiday job. I need money in order to provide pleasant surprises for my friends and family. Truthfully, I need some time to work on my story as well. I know that I am going to go on an annual winter retreat with my church, but I wish that it would take place in Georgia instead of Florida. I don't care for traveling long hours being stuffed in a car along with six other people. I am most comfortable when I am in familiar surroundings. Going out of my way to talk to other people is rather difficult. It is especially when I have very little in common with the people. In fact, the only thing that I will have in common with these people is that I go to the same church as them… minus the fact that I am also Korean.

On other note, I am immensely excited about my final essay that is due in my English class. We are to write a short story, and I already have a great idea for my own. I cannot wait to take the next English class for spring semester. It is with my original teacher that I have for English 1101. Although I am glad it is with her, I will miss the hilarious and blunt sarcasm that we are greeted with each time our class meets. I am hoping that next semester I will have more topics to write about for my blogs instead of these pointless journal entries of how life is right now. I want to write about thrills, passions, and things that interest me. I have already wrote about the things that I love most. To my misfortune, the only things that I can think as of now are short stories. I would much rather love to write a short story; each entry being just one chapter in progress. This would be much more invigorating than just a simple entry about life. Perhaps the teacher will consider on my request? J

Oh, I did finish reading my book by Terry Goodkind. The final book was epic! It invoked all of the emotions that were in me. I felt passion, anger, sadness, excitement, anxiety… everything! This book was truly amazing. I was so very sad when I neared the last, final pages. Although I did say that I was going to try and take my time so I could savor each word in the final book, it was much too difficult doing so. Every time I turned a page, it was getting all the more exciting. I could not help but to read quickly. I finished the book in about three days after the release date. I am very eager to see what Goodkind will create next. Even though I know that his next series is going to be amazing, Richard Rahl will be missed greatly. As for now, I have to find another series to start reading until then (even though it will not be as great as Goodkind).

This week is Thanksgiving. Something that I have little excitement over. I was originally supposed to go to New York with my church for a work shop (basically a conference and going to witness) but I will be going to Alabama to visit relatives instead. I would have chosen to go to New York, but one of the relatives that are going to come is my father's sister. Someone who I have never seen before in my life. She will be bringing her daughter who I have not seen in years also. Basically, I haven't seen any of these people in a long time. My grandparents really wanted the whole family to be over to celebrate during this holiday. If I missed this, they would be terribly disappointed, thus making me feel slightly guilty about the situation. Then things would be awkward during the next visit to their house. I do not wish to be approached with cold feelings the next time I visit them. As shocking as this is, I want Thanksgiving break to be over with. It doesn't even feel like a holiday is approaching. I remember in high school I looked forward for this vacation. Now, it is just another week that I am waiting for to pass by.

I really don't have much to say. I am too eager to work on my short story for my English class. Until next time.

random ramble

2007-11-13T18:24:00.000-08:00

I honestly have no idea what to write for this blog. I really do enjoy having a blog to rant and express my emotions, but I can hardly think of a decent subject each week. Writing is something that is enjoyable to me, but I prefer to write fictional stories over than a weekly blog about nothing. In my previous blogs, I wrote about the greatest passions in my life. As of right now, I feel content and calm. I do not feel like ranting about anything because I like the feeling of me being tranquil. I am just going with the flow of everything that surrounds me. I am not even stressing about next semester which is quite surprising. Currently, I feel apathetic about the next semester and all of the stresses that are going to consume me.

Today was just an ordinary day for me. Thankfully I had no class today. When I woke up, I felt refreshed that I finally got a decent amount of sleep after a weekend of none. As I walked around the house, I decided to straighten up the house as a favor for my mother. Then suddenly something hit me. The book “Confessor” by Terry Goodkind was coming out today! During the day before, I felt excited because this was his last book of the series and the previous one ended in a horrible cliff hanger ending. This series is by far one of the bests I have ever laid my eyes on.

Terry Goodkind is my role model for writing. Just reading one page of his book can fill me up with inspiration. The way he uses imagery is astounding. He makes it as though you are in the world that he created; that you are just watching what is happening to his characters. I love the fact that each book is thick and filled with many pages. When I was first introduced to the series, I read each page eagerly. The way he holds suspense is incredible. I could not get enough of what he wrote and I devoured each book within three or four days. Every time I would carry one of his books, people would always comment that they could never read a thick book like his. However, it is not just some old book; it is the creation of another person. I have spent countless hours dissecting the way his writing style is. I tried to mimic how he describes each and every detail in order for a person to envision what is going on. Of course, I am nowhere near as good as he writes. I have much to learn before I can even think about surpassing him as a writer.

I feel quite sad that this book is the last book of his series. Fortunately, this is only his first series which means there is sure to be more of his amazing work. He has done a terrific job of introducing himself as an extraordinary author. I cannot wait to get started on the book; however I am going to be disappointed that it is over with. I want to read each page as slowly as I can grasping every single word typed on the page.

When people ask me what his books are about, I grow speechless because I have no idea where to start. There is just so much that he wrote about that I could only sum it up in an essay. Together, his books are nearly ten thousand pages. Do you honestly think I can tell you the basics of the story that has that much information? I have recommended his books to a number of my friends and I have received the same answer from them. They all loved his writing. People would make a comment how surprised they were when they saw that I read around three hundred pages a day. The truth is that I really do love to read. If I could, I would read all day because I never grow tired of it.

Unfortunately there is hardly enough time in the day in order to do so. I am bombarded with homework, daily chores, church, and other unnecessary things. I have barely enough time to breathe these days. I cannot do the things that I once enjoyed anymore. It seems like school and church has consumed my life. People told me to prioritize my life, but that’s just it. As of now, school and church are my top priorities. I spend a large amount of time in front of my laptop or my books. My mom often complains that I hardly ever talk or do chores. I think I would collapse if I had to uphold a job as well as study. Luckily my parents want me to focus on my education rather than maintain a job. School is going to take much of more of my spare time because I have to take organic chemistry, anatomy and physiology I & II, and microbiology soon. Those classes are the “filter” classes for nursing and I am hoping that I do well. The biology classes are pure memorization and I got a taste of it during high school when I took anatomy. However, our teacher was very lenient when it came to tests. She gave us what we had to know. I know for a fact in college I have to study on my own. I heard it takes around ten hours of week to be confident in the material.

Although I love to read and learn, those classes do not seem very thrilling. Fortunately, there is going to be one thing that I look forward to when I take anatomy. I think it would be a great opportunity to learn how the human body works and it would be a great reference to learn how to draw the body better. I am definitely looking forward to draw all of the organs and structures.

Although it would be smart to minor in something that relates to my major, I am strongly considering about minoring in English. The reason that I am doing that is because I really do love to write. Plus I believe that it would be a great stress reliever from all of the other tough courses that I am planning to take. Minoring in chemistry or even biology would really take a toll on me. I can hardly handle all of these science and math classes right now, and stressing myself out on something like that would not be wise. Me stating all of this must seem like I really am not fond of my major, but truthfully I really do want to do this. I am just not fond of the excessive work I have to put in because of this competitive subject.

Once I get accepted to the nursing program, I will feel as though a huge burden will be lifted from my shoulders. Right now, I am so ready to taste the first class for my career. I want to hurry up and get my prerequisites over with. Hopefully by then, I will have learned how to study efficiently so that I can have more spare time so that I can relax as well. I am looking forward to the future. I’m just not looking forward of the present.

The world is my canvas

2007-11-06T17:27:00.000-08:00

Eyes are a fascinating part of our body. It allows us to see things that are happening. It observes everything that passes in front of our face. This part of our anatomy is used daily, but I take it to a next level.

Art is something that I am most passionate about. Words cannot describe how much I cherish this. It is not only a gift that resides in me, but it is also everything that I see. I consider everything to be a form of art whether it is nature, music, portrayals, humans, dancing, and so much more. If I could, I would capture every moment in a portrait of a still life.

In my eyes, regular and simple things in our existence are a living painting. The aurora borealis that dances beautifully in the air, water that flows all around me, the stars that wink and sparkle in the darkest nights. The sun that warms my spirit, the moon that illuminates the very depth of my element, and the music that drifts in my ears. Music is something that is created by the passions of the heart. When played exquisitely, the sound waves vibrate my soul with excitement. When my eyes lay on a wonderful piece of art, it absorbs the variety of colors and lingers in my mind. I love the feeling of the goose bumps that tickle my skin when I run across anything that I find beautiful. The human body emits it own special way of art. The body itself is a living, breathing sculpture, yet it can create on its own. With my hands, I can paint pictures and produce music. With my mind, I can imagine things and ideas that take its form into writing and pictures. With my eyes, I see inspiration that fuels into my thoughts. When I skillfully create something, it feels like complete rapture that overpowers my body.

I have always known I had some talent in the artistic field. When I was younger, I would draw pictures of cartoons or favorite games and show them to my parents. When I took art for the first time, I realized that I was actually really good at what I was doing. My teacher presented pieces of artwork by many different artists and had us to mimic their style. Although my particular interest was animation, I had ideas that were unique. My teacher often praised me when he saw that each day I was improving. Over time I began to work with paints and clay sculptures. Although I enjoyed the feeling of molding my own art, I found out I had an allergic reaction to the soft earth. I was excused from that area and was introduced to paints instead.

Painting was a new thrill for me and is my area of expertise. When I hold a paintbrush, I feel as though I hold the whole world in my fingertips. With each caress of the brush, I release vivid colors and emotion onto a once dull canvas. The scents of the paints dance in the air and as I breathe it in, it stimulates my inner essence. The alluring, vibrant shades flow out of my skin as I dip a brush into the pigments. The colors only exist when a heart is poured into it's work. A true piece of art is colorless unless passion is added. A part of me is released onto the canvas by each stroke of my brush. Every time someone looks at my creation, they are peering into the depths of my soul. I constantly try to perfect my creation; always try to improve of what is there. Once the image is complete, the satisfaction is euphoria seeing something wondrous staring back at me.

I can usually tell by the brush strokes if a person poured their heart onto their work. Take the picture that hangs in my living room for an example. It is a lovely portrait of a landscape from afar. However, when I look up close, I can see that the artist rushed through just to finish and sell his product.

Unfortunately, I have only worked with acrylics meaning that I have to work fast in order to race against time. Otherwise if I do not, the color will dry quickly thus making it difficult to blend colors evenly. Although I must work rather quickly with the paints, it still takes me a good four hours to be pleased with my work. I always repaint everything multiple times to make sure there are no “white spots”. I often went to school early to paint in order to start off a peaceful day. My friends would never go to the art room with me because to them “the stench was unbearable”. I find that statement to be insulting because I love the smell of the oil pastels, acrylics, and oil paints that remain in the air. Stains on my clothes were like a trademark for me. The sensation of cool, slippery pigments on my skin is familiar and delightful. The sound of each brush grazing against the rough white canvas is what I live for.

My parents do not fully realize my passions for art, although my mother is far more understanding than my father is. When she sees one of my drawings or paintings, she admires and showers me with compliments. My father is a bit insensitive about this particular area. Since he is a realist and I am more of an idealist, he scoffs at my love of creativity claiming that I never paint anymore. He does encourage me somewhat, but it is hard to thrive with such little support. When I finish my education in college and settle down, I want to build my own private art studio where I am free to do whatever my heart sings.

water flows through my veins

2007-10-30T16:32:00.000-07:00

Water is a precious source of life, one that we cannot live without. It is among us everywhere even though we might not be able to see it. It resides in the air, trees, vegetation, and in our bodies. It is something that we should never take for granted. We rely on this flowing element heavily for nurturing our crops, to give us the drink of life, and even for just simple amusement. I consider water to be a truly amazing thing. I find myself aggravated at those who take it for granted by wasting water in regular day to day basis. We are in a drought where people need to learn how to conserve water carefully instead of squandering it away frivolously. I think I have a different view on this rejuvenating liquid than most people. I’m sure most people just see it as regular water. Just something that’s nice to drink or to swim in.

Ever since I was young, I have always been fond of the water; to be near it whether it was the ocean, lake, or swimming pool. I would swim for countless hours just enjoying the fluid sensation of the cold water engulfing me. I practically worshiped the Disney movie “The Little Mermaid” when I was around the age of three. My parents grew tired of me complaining to them how I wanted to be a mermaid instead of a person. When I could comprehend that this was an impossible task, I studied things that dwelled in the water instead. Creatures of the water would fascinate me and I wished to be an oceanographer. During nights when we took our annual vacation to the ocean, I would sit on the ocean’s shore just to absorb the tranquil feeling that it gave me. I loved the sound of waves beating in my ears as I watched moon’s effect on the waves. It was the two things I felt most comfortable with: the dark night with the luminous glow of the moon and the soothing lullaby of the gentle waves.

The season that I am most content with is winter. The fresh, brisk air that fills my lungs awakens my spirit. It is delightful to take a slow walk through the crystalized version of water called snow. When we visted the state Wisconsin, I was thrilled when I my eyes first saw snow. It was like little frozen diamonds floating in the air. I was out until my skin was tinted with a bluish hue. I was saddened when we had to leave to go back to Georgia since I would never see this glorious blanket of water that fell from the heaven above.

I found out later that my main element was water through different tests that I researched. According to this one test I found, the shape of your hand describes what key element you are most comfortable with. When I saw that I was water, I read the personality traits of this element. I found that they were indeed accurate.

Daydreams of water frequently visit me and I often miss the ocean that I was so comfortable with. Just the sheer touch of water sends its ripples down my spine. Water and all of its inhabitants became one of my favorite subjects to draw. I would draw mermaids, water nymphs, and other fantastical creatures that dwelled in my imagination. I also painted a shimmering ocean that has been bathed by the moonlit glow.

Fantasizing of this natural element is still a normal thing for me. On one particular rainy day, I decided to go outside to play in the rain. The rain drops fell on me as I relaxingly laid on the grass. I could feel the cool water trickling down my skin as I daydreamed. I came upon the thought of manipulating water as a mystical power. To have such a unique power that could control water would be astounding. This idea of mine was conjured up before a television show entitled “Avatar: The Last Airbender” was introduced.

In this series, there are people who can “bend” or control their native element. When I saw water bending for the first time, I was absolutely ecstatic. Someone actually had the same idea as me, except they had additional bending with the commonly known four elements. I faithfully watch each new episode when they aired it on television. From then on, I always desired to have the same control for my most cherished element. However, it would be quite a dangerous power since there is water everywhere. I came up with a theory that people who could bend water could also control vegetation and even humans (turns out I was correct in the latest episode). The idea of “blood bending” sounds invigorating but unfortunately; this is truly only a mere fantasy in my mind.

I also wanted to take the form of art called Tai Chi which is beneficial to your health and relaxation. It is a soft type of martial arts which is what I prefer. It is beautiful to look at as well as to feel. When I saw this "Avatar" for the first time, I recognized the tai chi art form they used for water bending. It fit rather well since this fighting style creates a flowing energy and fluid movements that water can easily represent. So now I feel even more determined to learn this ancient form of body art.

Sadly, I haven’t been near the ocean or any other body of water in such a long time. This may sound peculiar to people, but I feel lonesome knowing that this vast body of serenity is at such a great distance. Perhaps one day I will reunite with this aqueous element again; the lost piece of my soul that flows everywhere except back into me.

My glass is half-empty

2007-10-23T14:52:00.000-07:00

It seems like every single week I struggle to find topic to discuss about in our weekly blog. I do so love to write, but it seems like I don’t have much to write these days. I feel uninspired and uninterested in everything these days. I am beginning to consider myself as boring person right now because nothing spectacular has happened in my life in such a long time. I guess that can be a good thing since everything is well in my home life, but lately, I feel like the only emotion that I’m experiencing these days is frustration.

I know for a fact that school is going to get much more difficult as each year progresses and I feel as though I am not ready for that yet. My major is one of the most competitive majors in my college and I am scared that I will not be able to make it. My parents told me to rely on God, read the Bible, and pray about my situation, but that’s easier said than done. I know I should trust God and everything, but sometimes I feel as I’m kind of drifting away from church spiritually. “Anything is possible through God” is taught in my church. I do believe that, but when everyone tells me that it is almost impossible to get into my major without at least a 3.8 or higher GPA. I am the type of person that has to work harder than average students to get a good grade so it is very intimidating and discouraging.

Nowadays, it’s like I go through life without knowing that this is reality. I don’t think that I am quite ready to accept what I’m doing is real. I still live in my own little fantasy world that I created for comfort and refuge of the “real world”. I still fantasize about many different things and often wish that I could live in my own world. Sometimes, I even feel as though life is but a dream and I am going to wake up any second. How nice it would be if I could just go to heaven and not have to worry about reality.

Then there are things that are upsetting to me when my father and mother talk about my love of art. Take for example: Yesterday, I innocently asked my mother what was the Korean word for “promise”. She told me, but my dad had to be nosy and ask why. It was almost like he was interrogating me over something that is completely irrelevant to him. I furrowed my eyebrows and told him I wanted to know because I was just curious to know how to say it. He immediately asked why I was so curious. It was for my friend Sooah and I promised her that I would draw something for her over the computer. He wanted to know what I was planning to draw and laughed and said to me “Why would you do that? You don’t draw anymore”. I don’t know if he meant it in an offending way or not, but it really hurt me that he said that. I angrily defended myself saying that I do indeed still draw. He shot back saying that he never sees me draw anymore, but just because he doesn’t see me draw, that does not mean that I do not ever pick up a pencil. I don’t want to say hate, but I strongly dislike it when they probe into my life sometimes. I know they want to strike up conversation, but he can be more considerate to my feelings.

Do not get me wrong, I have wonderful parents who deeply care and love me. However, one thing that does bother me about my household is that I can hardly express my frustration and anger at home. My mother is very sensitive towards respect and my father retired from the army. So both of them will not tolerate any sort of insolence whatsoever. I’m not allowed to express my aggravation when I am in a foul mood because my parents will be irate with me, but on the other hand, when my mother is in an unpleasant mood, she is free to direct her frustration at us. My father barely reveals any sort of emotion when he has a bad day. Which is understandable, after all, he is a male and he is calloused from the exposure of many years in the military. However, I am a female and I need to let out these emotions. It’s getting to the point of where I feel like I am going to erupt the next time I get into an argument with someone. It may not look like it, but I am a sensitive person as well. When people talk about a delicate subject harshly, I will take it personal. Of course, I will not say anything, because I am used to not expressing myself.

admiring from afar

2007-10-16T17:33:00.001-07:00

Every single year is the same thing. I am tired of this repetitive nonsense. It seems like almost every time I talk to a guy, (that I consider as only a friend) he usually ends up liking me sometime during our friendship. I can not count how many times that this has happened to me. I actually had to turn down three different guys just this semester. I can understand that it is hard to avoid your feelings if you like a certain person because I’ve been through this “crush” phase multiple times. What should happen is if a person turns down another person politely, they should move on, but does that happen to me? Of course it doesn’t. What frequently happens is that they still are still attracted to me. I don’t know what is it that I do to keep them infatuated, but I want it to stop.

In this one case, there was an employee who made it obvious that he liked me, but I was too dense to realize it. I didn’t want to make a bad impression when I worked there so I was continuously polite to him along with my other workers. He started to try and make conversation after a little while. I like to be a nice person sometimes so I cooperated with his small talk. Apparently, we had some common interests that I didn’t know about. Since we had interesting opinions on our conversation topics, I started talking to him more. He turned out to have a pretty nice person. After talking on instant messenger one day, he blurted out his feelings for me. I was in shock and asked him how long has he felt that way. He told me he first saw me. I told him as nicely as I could that I wanted to remain just friends with him. Ever since that incident, things were awkward between us, but when we finally started talking again, he confessed that he still liked me. A nauseated feeling swept over me and we both decided that we wouldn’t talk until he overcame those feelings. This is an everyday thing for me. I just wish that I could just let every guy that likes me out there know that I don’t feel like dealing with people obsessing over me.

Not only is it bad that guys endlessly ask me on a date, it’s the same type of guys as well. Maybe it’s because of my unusual interests. Not very many girls like video games and anime, but stereotypically you would envision only “nerds” like would have those sort of hobbies. The ones who end up liking me are the ones who consider games to be their number one priority in life. They sit on their lazy asses all day playing countless hours of games. Sure, I would love to have a guy who likes to play video games with me, but don’t play to the point where people roll their eyes at you. It's exasperating to know that countless guys that are mesmerized by my appearance. I know this makes me sound incredibly conceited of myself by talking about that I am tired of people being interested in me. I’m really just an average girl who wants to focus on her schoolwork and find a boyfriend that captivates her.

Speaking of captivation, almost every guy that I truly liked were the opposite of me. I consider myself as an introvert and socially awkward in front of people that I don’t know. The guy that I’m currently drawn into is completely different than I am. He is one of those types of people who draws all the attention when he walks into a room. Along with his looks, I find his outgoing personality very attractive. It’s insanely difficult for me to talk to a guy that I like because I am naturally shy. It’s always the wrong person who likes me. I yearn to find that special someone, and it seems like every time I do end up liking someone, I wind up just admiring from afar.

virgins are a dying breed.

2007-10-01T18:58:00.000-07:00

There are things in the world that people seem to make such a big deal out of. Whether its popular television show, an amazing book, or even trendy fashion. Whenever its accepted by the world, it is made into a enormous deal. I have heard of people standing in lines that are outrageously early in the morning. People have stood waiting for the latest Harry Potter book or movie (thank goodness the series finally ended). Some go as far as role play of their favorite cartoon or video game character. But there is one thing that is absolutely exposed everywhere. It is in magazines, movies, books, commercials, the radio, you name it. That one thing is sex.

America has made sex into one of the most popular ads. It is portrayed everywhere, especially with alcohol. A lot of people make such a big deal out it. I see kids five years younger than me that publicly display their affection without any shame. Don’t their parents have any dignity? How can they let their kids grope each other like that? I also notice that there are many teenage girls that are pregnant. Almost every guy that I have talked to has had sex at least once.

Is it really that difficult to not have sex? I can understand that when two people are in love with each other, they will have carnal appetites that may seem impossible to avoid. We have self control. If you trying to convince yourself that it is still impossible to ignore, think about the all nuns and monks that still live today.

Unfortunately, most people just treat their body as a tool of pleasure. As an artist, I view the human body as something beautiful. The human body is a sacred thing and it should be treated with respect. It is not something that should be lusted over constantly. As if becoming one with your lover isn’t a wonderful reward in itself, but new life is created out of the act as well.
Precious and innocent lives have been aborted just because of a careless mistake. I’m not going to go into that, but it sickens me when I hear about throwing away lives for selfish reasons.

Even the language was altered in a gruesome way. Today, having sex can be referred as “screw” or the other word that I am not going to state. It is also not commonly known with the acronym of “fornication under the consent of the king or carnal knowledge”. People fluently use these two words among their peers whether it is joking around or being serious. What bothers me is that they don’t take sex seriously anymore. In fact, you hardly hear the term “making love” these days. The only time I ever hear that is when a couple utters that phrase to each other when I'm reading a good book..

Sex isn’t something that you should just flaunt around and brag about how many people you’ve been with. It is something that God created for us and our significant other. It is meant for that one person who you truly love and deeply desire.

It’s funny that when women get married, most always choose a beautiful white dress symbolizing purity, but I say that probably 80% of the brides who are getting married lost their virginity when they were younger. The percentage may even be higher than that for all I know. The point is, why lie to yourself and dozens of others saying that you are pure? In my opinion, pure is something that is physically chaste sexually. This exempts kissing and other acts above the waist area. Not many women would be wearing white if you go by that.

Many say that my beliefs are strict, but I strongly believe in abstinence until marriage. I am aware that there will most likely be times where they will be tempted, but this isn’t just a promise to myself, it is also a promise to God. Virgins are a dying breed. I believe that there should be more of them in the world.

Can you notice a ghost?

2007-09-25T10:28:00.000-07:00

I am really clueless what to write in this blog. I haven’t felt much of anything lately, and I feel uninspired to write. School work has taken its toll on me. Before I even started college, I worked on a fictional story about one of my favorite games. I posted it online on a very popular fan fiction (a story based on a game, book, cartoon, ect. that is for pure amusement only) website in order to receive feedback. To my surprise, I received a lot of wonderful comments about it. It was pleasing to see people read it with much interest and demand for more. I used to work on it diligently, but lately I just don’t feel like writing. It seems all of my creativity is just seeping out through my pores. I have stopped drawing and painting as well which was once one of my favorite hobbies. It seems like all I have been doing lately is schoolwork, going to church, and breathing. I want the feeling that I used to have. I want the feeling of overwhelming creativity so strong that it would seep out of my aura.

Just last weekend, I went to a well known animation convention that was held at the Cobb Galleria. I was so ecstatic on going, so ready to see all of the wonderful surprises that it had to offer. Being a dedicated fan of animation, I actually bought an outfit that was exactly the same as one of my favorite video game characters. When I walked in the place, I could immediately feel the energy and excitement that all of the people had. Everybody was joyful and I could feel all of the enthusiasm that everyone had radiating out of this place. People were in cosplay (dressing as one’s favorite character) and waiting for all of the activities to start.

After a couple of hours, I went down to the artist’s gallery and viewed all of the artwork of people. Many of them were beautiful pieces of work. Just a glimpse of these drawings and paintings made me want to create my own masterpieces as well. Of course that feeling disappeared once again when I went back to school on Monday. Even though it was just for a mere moment, it was absolute bliss to have that feeling again. I had such a great time at the convention. The only thing that went wrong was when someone shamelessly stole my camera. It was a graduation gift and a rather costly camera. It held many memories of the places I have traveled with it. I had the camera on a wrist strap attached to my belt. Apparently when I was browsing around, someone took a pair of scissors and snipped it right off of my belt. It’s shocking to think that someone can so boldly take something that belongs to another. When I realized that my camera was gone, I was filled with rage and depression. Everyone that I saw there seemed so pleasant on the outside, but people can hide their true nature with a fake smile. How can people be so hypocritical?

It reminded me of a time back when school was once a terrible place. It was back when I was in middle school. My parents wanted me to be in an environment that could induce a positive influence. So they sent me to a Christian private school until I reached high school. All was fine until I moved to Cumberland Christian Academy. That school was torture. As you all know, every school is full of cliques whether it’s the “popular people”, “nerds”, “goths”, ect. Well, in that school, it was either you had friends or you didn’t. If a new person came that was shy and didn’t talk to anyone the first week, they were automatically dubbed as a loner. I, being an introvert when exposed to new people, was automatically an outcast. The people that were supposed to be God-fearing “Christians” didn’t even bother trying to get to know me. They would shout and cry “Amen!” when we would have our weekly sermon. They would pray and cry out to God that they wanted to be good people and do good deeds. They wanted to make a difference in the world and meet new people. Every week, I would watch with disgust at their “holy” performance. They were so hypocritical that I wanted to retch with repulsion. Seeing that they claimed to be “Godly” made me laugh. They didn’t even bother to waste one minute of their “holy” lives to get to know me, but they would shout for hours to God every week. After our sermon was done, they would go back to their groups and gossip. How pitiful. I was just a ghost at that school. A nobody that only existed just to poke fun at. That is when my hatred of people took its root.

I was made fun because I had the love to read books and play video games. People mercilessly taunted me for liking animation and comics. I was mocked for wanting to strive to get the better grade. I shut myself from the social world and only lived in my own fantasy. I was petrified to go to high school if it was going to be like this. I begged my parents to send me to a public high school and I received my wish. I was so happy when my first day of high school came around and people actually talked to me. I was no longer a ghost. People knew that I existed. I was a person that people could talk and laugh with and I found a wonderful best friend to talk to. I feel as though I can tell her everything and anything.

I am so relieved that I go to a church that teaches the truth. When I look at some people that claim to be born again but see their ways that contradict what they think, I pity them. I still have a hatred of people. But I will never be quick to judge like my old classmates did to me. Once a person destroys my trust, it can never be earned back. I detest and loathe hypocrites. The only forgiveness that they received is when Jesus forgave them of their sins when he died on the cross. I don’t think I could ever forgive the ones who ruthlessly sneered at me for so long. A scar that they left that will take years to mend.

enmity

2007-09-17T10:41:00.001-07:00

People seriously disgust me. Right now, I can’t express how much anger I feel, but I’m going to try my best. About three days ago, I arrived at my house around four to five o’clock and I heard my father laughing really hard in the living room. I was curious and didn’t even bother taking off my shoes like I normally do so I could see what was so funny. There was a man around the age of nineteen displayed on Fox news practically screaming his head off to “leave Britney alone”. My eyebrow arched up as I saw him crying and moaning in front of his video camera. I immediately thought of how idiotic he was pouring his heart out to defend a person he didn’t even know. After his video was done, Fox news made fun of him for a while and then I lost interest in the subject and went on to my own business.

It was not until last night that I wanted to see this “Chris Crocker” and all of the responses that were made in reply to his horrendous yet humorous video. I was quite surprised to find out he was actually a gay man. He was so utterly flamboyant on the news that I thought he was indeed a female that was PMSing. Over 6 million people have watched his video thus making him famous… but not in a good way. There were so many comments, both good and bad, to this video. What really surprised me was that people actually DEFENDED him! I read hundreds of comments in response to his video and I looked up video responses to this as well. He stated on the video that “anyone who had a problem, you deal with me”. When I heard this, I laughed very hard. We deal with him, huh? So what’s he going to do? Have an internet slap fight? Oh, I’m shaking in my skin from terror! I actually commented myself saying that it is pointless trying to defend someone that he doesn’t even know personally.

He even had the nerve to post a video response to what Fox News said. It enraged and angered me to the point of having to take a brisk walk outside to cool off. How can people honestly be so ignorant? It’s so disgraceful to see this “man” taping crude responses when he sees someone disagreeing with his opinions. Everyone has their own opinion, and they are obviously not the same as yours, Miss Britney wannabe. Get over it.

He publicly bashed people who were republicans and pro-Bush saying that they were stupid and should go to hell. He said that they are all judgmental. Um, excuse me? Who is the one that hates all of the republicans and conservatives without actually knowing us first? I think it is he who is the judgmental one. Not only that, but not all conservatives are homophobic. I happen to be a conservative and have many gay friends. Sure, I don’t believe in their lifestyle, but I don’t think of them as anything lower than a human like he says that I do. Speaking of which, yes, Britney Spears is a human too. However, everything that has been done to her was what she deserved. She is a drug addict and a terrible mother.

I went on Chris Crocker’s myspace and was totally disgusted. I personally have nothing against gay people, but just seeing his website made me feel absolutely repulsed by the thought of homosexuals. He is giving all homosexuals a bad name. It makes me want to never associate with them again, even though I know that some are actually really nice and quite intelligent.
Another thing that really made my blood rise was that he was declaring that he was the “new Christ”. I am a very dedicated Christian and was so offended by this statement. My best friend Emma and I were discussing this a moment ago. She said that it was so blasphemous and that Jesus died for everyone including him and he is being so completely disrespectful and ungrateful. I completely agreed with what she said. Did you know, Chris Crocker, that Jesus is a loving person and cares about everyone in this world, yet you have the nerve to claim that you are the “new Christ”? It’s so infuriating!! How can someone be so foolish and spiteful?

He also made the statement “If Britney kills herself after this, I will kill myself too”. How can he take life so carelessly? He’s going to waste his life over some pathetic wannabe singer whose life is going down the drain? She caused that all on herself and he’s willing to kill himself over it. This person needs some serious therapy. Many people defended that quote, saying that he was just playing and stated, “Why can’t you people just take a joke?” Excuse me, but he confirmed himself that even though his material may be funny, he means everything that he says.
Well, he did it. He got his little fifteen minutes of fame. No wonder many people cannot stand Americans. It is because people like him give us a bad name. I shake my head at the thought of how inconsiderate he is. People like him make me want to commit something that isn’t going to be mentioned on this blog.

Beautiful dreams are angels whispering in your ear.

2007-09-10T18:41:00.000-07:00

I have spent countless hours of my life daydreaming and dreaming at night. Often wishing that what I dream could somehow come true. Many times throughout the day, I also wonder what my dreams at night could mean. For example, flight often occurs in my dreams. Am I trying to escape something? Perhaps I feel bound to this world and I want to be free?

Out of curiosity, I looked up in the dictionary for the meaning of the word “dream”. There were several definitions that caught my eye. They were, “something of unreal beauty, charm, or excellence”, “most desirable”, and “a succession of images, thoughts, or emotions passing through the mind of sleep”.

I have often heard many different theories about dreams. One of the theories that I heard was that people often dream of something they desire the most. But occasionally when I dream of something erratic, I wake up in shock. I think to myself, “Why would my mind think of something that’s absurd as this?”

Another interesting belief that I heard is an old Chinese theory. They say that when you fall asleep, your soul separates from your body and whatever it sees during its flight is what you dream at night. I certainly know that isn’t the truth of how dreams are made, but I smiled at the idea of a soul being so free and careless at night.

Dreams are so driven on the person’s emotions. I can remember times that I was sad or frustrated; I had dreams that were chaotic. But when I was happy or content, I dreamt of beautiful things.

People go to professionals and often resort to books to interpret their dreams but I would rather not have my dreams interpreted. They view it as a wonder and an enigma of the human mind. But I think of dreams as a haven (other than the fact that I rely on God to help me with my problems). I actually believe that I could quite possibly be unstable if it wasn’t for my daydreaming. I use it as an escape to reality and I feed my imagination with wonderful thoughts of what I desire the most whether it is real or fantasy.

I use the dreams that I have at night as an inspiration. In fact, many of ideas for my drawings and novel were originated from my dreams at night. People have often scoffed at me for my love of daydreaming, but what they don’t see is that this is who I am. It is a part of me that I am not willing to give up.

Let me live in my own little world for the sake of my sanity. When my dreams are memorable, I like to express them in my writing. Of course it isn’t obvious to those to read my writing unless that person keenly observant. So it is very certain that people have read about my dreams. People have entered my mind without being aware of it. I like to call it, “you can know me without actually knowing me”.

Beautiful dreams are angels whispering in you ear.